Early stages of grief & 8 things that have helped me

I am currently 35 years old and have just this year (about 8 weeks ago) experienced loss of a very close loved one for the first time in my life. I am fortunate to be able to say that and I do not take that for granted. My grandmother passed away on January 16,2023. If you know me at all, you know how close I was to my grandmother. She was like a parent to me, she helped raise me and was a huge part of my life. She was 94 years old and had cancer the last 3 years of her life. She decided early on after her diagnosis that she wasn’t going to take treatment. I knew the day of her passing would eventually come and I was honestly terrified about losing her. She was my safe space, my biggest cheerleader and supporter and the most kind person I have ever known. My therapist reminded me recently that one time during one of our sessions a year or so ago when we were talking about my grandma eventually passing one day— I said “I don’t know if I can make it without her”. Well, I am making it, some days are better than others, but I thought I’d share some things that I’ve done during the first 8 weeks of grief that have helped me. For anyone out there that is grieving, there is no ‘right’ way to do it and everyone has a different path. These are simply things I have found to be comforting. I hope it helps someone.

• Drop the expectations of how you are “supposed” to feel.

  • This has been very helpful for me. I remind myself of this often. Some days I feel overwhelmed with sadness. Some days I feel completely numb. Other days I feel fine. Other days I feel so disconnected from my body. Lean into whatever it is you are feeling. Feelings are messengers trying to communicate with us. Don’t fight the feeling or try to stop it, let it happen and lean into it.

• Move your body

  • Move. Move. Move. Whatever feels good to you that particular day. Some days for me, this was walking, some days it was lifting heavy weights, other days it was dancing. Our energy needs to move through us, movement is the number one way this can happen. Don’t stop moving.

• Cry

  • Allow tears. Some people hold back tears for fear of seeming weak. Crying is such a release. Let the tears flow. Your body needs that release.

• Permission

  • Give yourself permission to slow down, to breathe, to feel, to grieve. Life as you know it has changed entirely and it’s a lot to process. Try to stay present in whatever it is you are feeling. You have permission to do what you need to do and don’t let anyone tell you to “rush” the grief process or to tell you how you are supposed to be feeling. You have permission to do what you need to do and feel how you feel.

• Journal

  • Journaling is a very important practice in my life. I remember the last week that my grandma was alive, I journaled about how I felt and what happened each day. At the time, it was difficult to slow down to write things down and to be in my body because my body was in shock most of that time. Some days all I wrote was “I am too overwhelmed to journal”. Other days, I wrote pages. I looked back recently at my journal and 6 days before she passed when it wasn’t for sure yet if this was going to be the end for her, I wrote “I have a feeling this is the end”. It’s interesting to go back and read things that you were feeling during times like that. When you are journaling, let it flow, don’t worry if it’s messy or even makes sense grammatically—it doesn’t matter, it’s just for you.

• Walk

  • This could go under move your body, but I want to make this it’s own bullet point. Walking is bilateral stimulation for your brain. It quite literally helps us to process our emotions. Feel stuck? Walk. Feel angry? Walk? Feel happy? Walk. Feel confused? Walk. I’d recommend walking without listening to a podcast or something to distract you. Listen to nature, notice things around you, and walk.

• Eat nourishing foods

  • Your appetite during grief is WEIRD. Some days I didn’t want to eat anything and other days I was so hungry. Try to continue to eat, even if it’s not your normal. Try to get in some protein and don’t forget to drink water. This change in appetite is temporary but you want to try to give your body nourishment during an already high stress time.

• Call friends/loved ones as needed

  • At first, I wanted to be alone a lot and then at times I needed my friends around me. You have certain friends that you know are able to hold space for you. You have certain friends that you know aren’t able to do that for you. Be aware of the energy you need. It’s okay to say no to people. You don’t have to give a reason. No is a complete sentence. On the other hand, when you do need friends, let them know you appreciate their support and tell people you love them more than you think you need to—we all need love.

I could keep going but these are the main things that have helped me and I’ll continue to update this as I go through the grief process. If you have grieved the loss of a loved one and want to share anything with me, I am open to receiving it.

**One thing I have done that is new for me is somatic therapy. It was the biggest release I have felt since my grandma’s passing and I am going to go back for more sessions. If you’d like to know more about somatic therapy, I can give you resources and if you are local to Nashville, I can refer you to the practitioner that I went to if you are interested.

ONE MORE THING—save voicemails, video recordings and photos of the ones that you love—you will cherish them forever.

Take care & thanks for reading.